Miss Lohan,
I’ve noticed that whenever I watch TV, read a magazine, surf Google news, or listen to the radio, I am constantly reminded of your presence in Hollywood. I imagine that if we went to high school together, you would be that obnoxious girl who was always spreading rumors and trying to break up couples so you could steal people’s boyfriends. This is not a way to get people to like you, my friend. You are only 19 years old. It’s pretty sad when all of the famous people don’t like you and you haven’t even reached the legal drinking age.
Sincerely,
Someone who is tired of hearing about your high school ways
Don’t remind me that I just wrote a fake note to Lindsay Lohan. I know.
Dear Lauren,
Do you realize that you just wrote a fake note to Lindsay Lohan?
Her Majesty felt the need to point that out to you.
The Queen of the World hopes she has been helpful to you today.
Very truly yours,
EB
P.S. Tea is at 2 daily. Lindsay Lohan shall NOT be invited, although the Hager Twins from Hee Haw have pleaded and begged with Her Royal Highness to be allowed to attend. Do you suppose The Empress should permit them to come to tea, just once?